Many of us have realised the uselessness of traditional education. Of how disconnected it is from reality. Where in the real world do you write papers? Yes, some of the skills learned in school can be useful, but they could have been learned so much more painlessly and without acquiring perfectionism anxiety. Kids aren’t built to sit behind a desk 5+ hours a day with minimal movement and interaction, repeating the same content over and over again. If you let kids lead, you will have an incredible education you could not even imagine. Maybe I’ll talk about that more in my series on unschooling. But for now…

Why being an A student is bad for you.

All of this is coming from a school-obsessed A student that finally in her Junior year of college realised that having good grades and created perfectionism anxiety is hurting her more than benefitting. Let’s dive right in:

#1: You focus on the bad

To be a successful A student you need to focus on what you’re missing. So not on what you have already achieved, but what you still have to learn/ correct/ read/ turn in to get 100%. In real life that translates to a perennially unhappy person. Instead of noticing all the good things you have in your life and being grateful, you keep noticing things that are missing that will make the situation 100%. But that never happens.

#2: You’re never satisfied

Anything but 100% is not enough. But that’s not how things work in real life. Things have to be just good enough. You have to have a MVP that’s out there living that you then make corrections to. You release an imperfect product and get feedback. You then perfect it and get more feedback, ad infinitum. For a perfectionist A student that’s not an option. You must first have a perfect product before you put it out into the world. See how that could be a problem?

#3: You’re bad at following your passion

To be successful in life you need to be daring. Relaxed. Bold. Fun. Outgoing. Those are probably words you wouldn’t use to describe the A students you know. I was fun and outgoing as a child, but as school and deadlines became more and more intense I became more and more neurotic. Being an obsessive A student creates fear and anxiety. Even if you do possess an awesome personality and are outgoing, wanting to maintain that “perfect record” will make you an anal, annoying, scared person. That is you will suffer the symptoms of perfectionism anxiety.

But then you realise, the papers you were killing yourself over and the stupid little assignments you completed, not because you cared about them, but because you had to, didn’t end up providing anything useful into your life.

And so you become terrible at following your passion. Unless a rupture happens and you realise how futile your pursuit is, you will continue chasing the light at the end of the tunnel, just to end up dissatisfied. You will be unable to listen to your body and your instincts to figure out what you truly want. You will be unable to move past the noise of society and most importantly your mind, to hear the calling of your soul.

#4: You have confidence issues

Connecting your self worth to a number on a paper is not a good idea. That is why the “healthiest” kids in my opinion are those who are able to say “fuck you” to their teachers and the system and follow their passion. That might mean quitting school outright or just doing the subject and classes they are passionate about. Not waiting for approval from teachers, their parents or society.

Because you always override your instincts and care about an external assessment of your worth, having deep confidence issues is an almost guaranteed trait of an A student. The perfectionism you always applied to assignments and projects suddenly turns around and becomes self critical perfectionism. The worst part: you probably won’t admit it to yourself or others because you’re the perfect child and need to have everything together. How can the perfect student actually be super unhappy and not know how to fix it?

#5 You shut off play

Obsessing over grades and finishing papers and tasks no matter the weather disconnects you from yourself. You stop following play and mostly focus on work. I mean you might go out and hang out with friends, but that’s not the kind of play I am talking about. I am talking about the spontaneous free play of the soul that is not compatible with the regimented scheduled tasks of academia. Perfectionism anxiety blocks play.

Again, if no rupture occurs and you don’t change your ways, an obsessive A student results in an unhappy adult who forgot how to play. Who doesn’t dance, sing, paint, create. Why would she do that? Those are frivolous tasks that take away from the important stuff that needs to get done. Right?

Conclusion: leave your kids alone. Let them have fun and play. Homework can wait.

Conclusion:

This is all said not to shame you, but to help you get to know yourself better. Also it’s here so you don’t force/ shame your kids into A student perfectionism. Plus, the first step in healing perfectionism is being aware of it. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be better and do well. However, when your attempts turn into toxic, maladaptive perfectionism, something has to be changed.

Strive for excellence, not perfection.

Excellence meaning doing the best you can, setting high standards and having fun achieving them. It is not setting unrealistic standards all the time and then beating yourself up when you don’t achieve it. I want you to still have high standards for yourself, but reparents yourself from crippling perfectionism to slow, supportive, tiny action.

Bonus:

No one’s going to check your grades anyway so this was all for nothing. Unless you’re going to be a PhD student, but who will actually do that? You’re better of burning your books, leaving school and having a good time. Start a business. Spend more time with your friends. Join a nature school. Do something AMAZING with your life, but definitely don’t stay in school. At least in a regular one, that is.

In reality, it’s not all bad. You learn how to work hard, how to be detail oriented, to think critically, etc. However, the slope from proud a student to perfectionism anxiety is a slippery one.

The point is, parents, teachers and students need to stop putting such an emphasis on grades. Fuck grades. It’s an external value of your worth. Quality will speak for itself. You don’t need a stupid number grading small, useless, machine tasks. Creativity, nature, courage, values, community, emotional intelligence, dance, song, sport – those are things that should be taught to kids and no one should be made feel inferior because they can’t sit at a desk for 5 hours straight and regurgitate “facts.”

This starts with parents stopping with the “my son made the honor roll” bumper stickers. Disconnect your and your child’ self worth to what kind of grades he’s getting and what school he’s going to. It’s time for a new paradigm. For children who guide their own learning. For teachers who facilitate the innate curiosity of children and provide them with the tools and new knowledge that can aid them. For parents that love their children unconditionally, regardless of their grades and achievements. For a healed society.