We all do it. A lack of self-love, self-respect, and self-esteem makes us self-sabotage when we should be succeeding. That is why you have to make a conscious effort to stop-sabotaging behaviors that I will outline in the next 5 steps.

Putting Yourself Last and People Pleasing

People put themselves last because they’re afraid of conflict. They believe they “must” do something because it is “the right thing to do” and not because they actually want to do it.

For example, a mother doing all the cooking, all the dishes, and cleaning in the house because that’s what a good wife and mother is supposed to do. She doesn’t involve her children because “they already have a lot on their plate.” She also doesn’t want to start an argument with her husband, so she prefers to just get it done herself.

In this situation, even though you think you’re doing something good, all this sacrificial behavior leads to is resentment. And passive aggressiveness. The gumption you didn’t have to tell people to f off and do their own laundry comes out in twisted ways which sabotages perfectly good relationships.

In turn, this leads to unfulfilled lives.

Thus, no one expects you to do everything. If they do, then they’re not here for you, but for your “benefits.” If they don’t want you without your “benefits” you don’t want them. Respect yourself enough to walk away.

In the end, doing what’s best for you, respecting your needs, and finding a compromise that works for everyone* is where it’s at.

* in other words, you can still do dishes as long as the chores are split and you don’t feel like your the family mule.

Being Extra-Hella-Super Negative (even if it’s in secret)

Nobody wants to admit they’re Negative Nancy. We want people to believe we’re happy, perfect, and put together. But in the darkness of our mind, we take it out on ourselves.

“You lazy bum. You’re so stupid. How did you not figure that out?”

The self-abuse is rampant. This is how our parents and their parents were raised so we’ve internalised the negative-self talk with the hope it will make us perform better.

It never does.

The only solution is to go out of our way and be xxxxxtra, nauseatingly positive and kind to ourselves. Like you would be to a new born baby. Because isn’t that what we are?

On the same note, we use pessimism as a form of self-protection. If you expect the worst, nothing can ever disappoint you. Right?

Wrong. By doing that you wire your brain to always notice all the bad things and expect the worst. That is not the best mentality to have if you want to succeed beyond your wildest dreams.

Not Shining Your Light Because You’re Afraid of What People Will Think

This is a huge one. Especially for sensitive, spiritual, overachievers.

Let me dim my light here so I don’t get in trouble or make anyone feel bad.

Not shining your light comes in all forms.

Not creating your business project. Not creating art. Not expressing your opinion on social media.

Whatever shies you away from expressing and living your full true essence.

Because this is what it all comes down to – being fully, truly, unapologetically ourselves no matter what other people might think.

Happiness can’t be found without this.

Having No Creative Outlet or Play

In our hustle, overachieving culture we’ve forgotten how to play. How to do that thing that sets our soul on fire. That gives us small, innocent pleasure, even if it has no “use” besides that.

We need to know how to slow down and remember what is it that we used to enjoy as children.

Shopping? Creating small art? Being in nature? Being with friends? Making up games?

How can you add more of that to your life?

Believing Community Doesn’t Matter

Nobody likes being dependent. However, we are hardwired for connection.

In our strongly isolated world we have to make an effort to connect.

We must make an effort to create a tribe that will support us through thick or thin.

This study by Harvard concluded that people who have a strong circle of support are less likely to be depressed or sick and they lived longer.

To be fully expressing and plan simple happy, we need other people.

We need people to cry to. We need people that will support us. Plain and simple we need people to lounge around and waste time with.

If you will apply yourself to one thing, make sure it’s cultivating deep, strong relationships.

Conclusion – How to Stop Self Sabotaging

Have the gumption to set boundaries and uphold them. With others and yourself.

Let me know which behaviors you will let go of this year in the comments.